Family, the ultimate test of faith.

Lately I have been thinking how scary it is to have a family.  The more I fall in love with people who I can't control or protect and will die the more my selfish/controlling heart wants to hide them away from all evils of this world.  The cold hard truth is as follows: Josh and Elliotte are my treasures on this earth, treasures that may leave me before I am ready.

I love being a mom to my sweet baby girl, but I hesitate to have more children.  Not because I don't love being a mom or that I value my naps over child rearing, but because with each new life another piece of my heart is given away.  Given away so that I am no longer able to protect it.  I become the vulnerable being that I so desperately want to shield.  I can't control Ell's life.  I can't control my husband's life.  But I want too.  And so I have begun to learn once again, that I need to open up my hands and let God hold my most precious treasures.  I know in my head this is the thing to do, but in my heart I keep them caged up, deceiving myself that I can protect them.  It is a lie that I keep believing.  So I pray, and continually ask God to show me how to be free from trying to contort and mold my family into what I think is best.

I am not a logical person.  In fact I am anything but that.  I also have a crazy imagination which causes lots of silly fears especially when I watch movies.  The Truman show, there were a few moments where I was pretty sure I was being nationally televised and everyone around me was an actor.  The Matrix, had myself convinced I was still dreaming and not awake for at least a few days.  And of course Battle-Star Galactic, (that's right I am a nerd) I at one point could have sworn Josh was a Ceylon. So in order to better myself  logically I am going to write the basics down so when my emotions dress themselves up and parade around like factual data I can blow the whistle on them.

God is good. He won't try to hurt me.  God is personal.  He knows my desires, heart, and fears.  God is faithful.  He won't leave me even in the most horrific situations.  God is the great physician.  He will heal me no matter what the damage.  Therefore God can be trusted with my life, my husband's life, and Elliotte's life. 


I mean look at this kid!  Who wouldn't want to protect her from EVERYTHING!

And to end on a cheerier note, here is a video of Ell.  She doesn't know if she wants to cry or smile.